Almost every parent of a toddler meets the tantrum sooner or later: the sudden collapse on the floor, the screaming over the wrong colored cup, the arch of the back in the car seat. If you are searching for what to do during toddler tantrums, you are in good company, and the good news is that there are practical things that help.
This guide walks through what to do before a tantrum, what to do in the middle of one, how to respond to hitting, and what to do afterward. It is general parenting information, not medical advice, and every child is different.
Why toddlers have tantrums
A toddler wants a lot and can do relatively little, and the words to explain it often have not arrived yet. When disappointment, tiredness, hunger or frustration hits, the part of the brain that helps with calming down and waiting is still very much under construction. A tantrum is often the result of a feeling that is bigger than the child’s current skills for handling it, rather than a plan to manipulate you.
Seeing tantrums this way does not mean you give in to everything. It means you can treat the moment as a skill your child is still learning, and your calm is part of the teaching.
Before: prevent the ones you can
You cannot prevent every tantrum, but many follow patterns. A few habits tend to reduce them:
- Watch the basics. Hunger and tiredness are common triggers. Planning errands around meals and naps often helps more than any technique.
- Give a warning before transitions. “Two more turns on the slide, then we go to the car” gives a toddler time to get ready for a change. Some families use a visual timer or a song that signals clean-up time.
- Offer small, real choices. “Do you want the red cup or the blue cup?” gives a sense of control within limits you are happy with. Keep it to two options.
- Keep routines predictable. A familiar order to the day lowers the number of surprises.
- Say yes when you can. If your child wants to carry their own bag or press the elevator button and it is safe, a yes saves your energy for the nos that matter.
- Set up the space. Putting tempting but off-limits things out of reach removes a number of battles before they begin.
During: stay calm, stay close, stay safe
When a tantrum is in full swing, your child is not in a state to listen, negotiate or learn a lesson. The goal is simply to get through it safely and calmly.
- Check safety first. Move breakable items, guard against hitting a hard edge, or move your child to a safe spot. In a car park or on a street, pick up your child and move away from traffic.
- Take a breath. Your own calm body is the most useful tool you have. It is fine to count to ten silently or to loosen your shoulders.
- Use very few words. “You’re upset. I’m here.” is plenty. Long explanations and questions (“Why are you doing this?”) are hard for a flooded toddler to process.
- Stay nearby. Some children want a hug, others want space and may push you away. Offer a hug once, and then sit close and wait if they say no.
- Do not bargain or give in to the original demand. If you change your answer because of the screaming, a child can learn that screaming works. You can acknowledge the feeling while holding the limit: “You really wanted the cookie. It’s almost dinner time, so the answer is not now.”
- Wait it out. Most tantrums run out of steam. It may feel very long, but staying steady usually shortens it more than escalating does.
What to say (and not say)
Words that tend to help:
- “I can see you’re really upset.”
- “I’m right here.”
- “I won’t let you hit. I’ll keep us both safe.”
- “You wanted that so much. It’s hard to wait.”
Things that tend to backfire:
- “Stop crying right now” or “You’re being ridiculous,” which can make a child feel misunderstood.
- Threats you will not follow through on.
- Long lectures in the heat of the moment.
- Shaming in front of others.
Toddler tantrums and hitting
Hitting during a tantrum is common at this age, and it is usually about too much feeling and too few words rather than a wish to hurt. A steady response tends to work best:
- Block gently and state the limit once. “I won’t let you hit.” Say it calmly and keep your tone matter-of-fact.
- Move away from the person being hit if needed, and give your child a moment to settle.
- Offer a safe alternative once they are calmer: stomp your feet, squeeze a pillow, hit a cushion, or ask for a hug.
- Repeat, patiently. Learning to use something other than hands takes many repetitions, and progress often comes in fits and starts.
After: reconnect and teach, briefly
Once your child has settled, many are tired, clingy or a little sheepish. This is a good moment for a hug and a very short conversation.
- Reconnect first. A cuddle or quiet time together tells your child you are still on their side.
- Name the feeling. “You were so angry that we had to leave the park.” Even a two-year-old begins to link words with feelings over time.
- Say what comes next. “Next time you feel mad, you can stomp your feet or say ‘help.’” Keep it to one sentence.
- Move on. There is no need to replay the whole episode or ask for an apology a toddler cannot yet give.
Our guide to calm-down activities for big emotions has simple ideas, like belly breathing and squeezing a soft toy, you can practice together during calm moments so they are familiar when needed. If anger is a big part of what you are seeing, helping kids name and handle anger goes further into what to say and do.
Build skills during calm moments
Children learn coping skills best when they are calm, not in the middle of a meltdown. A few ideas for quiet times:
- Read about feelings. Picture books with characters who feel angry or frustrated give you a shared language. When I Feel Angry is an illustrated storybook for ages 4 to 8 that models coping strategies such as deep breathing, counting to ten and using words instead of actions, and includes conversation starters for parents. It is aimed at slightly older children than most toddlers, so it can suit older preschoolers or be a useful read for a big sibling.
- Practice waiting in small, playful ways. Turn-taking games and songs build patience gradually. See teaching kids patience through stories for ideas.
- Model your own feelings. “I’m feeling frustrated, so I’m going to take a deep breath” shows what handling a big feeling looks like.
A small cozy space can help, too. See how to set up a calm down corner for kids that feels welcoming rather than like a time-out.
When to talk with a professional
Tantrums are usually a normal phase, but it is reasonable to check in with your pediatrician if:
- Tantrums are very frequent, last a very long time or seem extreme for your child’s age.
- Your child often hurts themselves or others during them.
- Tantrums continue to be intense well beyond the toddler years.
- You are worried about your child’s development, hearing or speech, or about your own stress levels.
Asking for help is not a sign that you have failed. It is a way of making sure your child gets the support that suits them.
Bringing it together
Toddler tantrums are exhausting, but they are also an opportunity to show your child that big feelings can be survived. Prevent what you can, keep yourself calm and your child safe in the middle, say little, and save the teaching for afterward. Over time, with repetition and patience, the storms usually get shorter and the words come in.
